GIANT TANK

uuuuuuuuurgh…….. everyhing aches……. can i really be bothered wi’ any o’ this?
why should i expect anyone to pay for this bumf?
why not just gi’ it all away for free like other folks do?
oh, aye…. i dinnae wanna have to get a proper job, eh.
capitalism is to blame. not Ali Robertson. 

i’m lead to believe that raising yr expectations of what a brand new Giant Tank website might entail could possibly generate some excitement amongst all youse potential punters.
every time i say anyhing to my personal benefit i feel like a humungous dickheid so i’ll endeavour to titilate wi’ a minimum of hyperbole. 

EXPECT: a website decorated wi’ the art of my cartoonist comrade Malcy Duff. he supplied that big handsome face which decorates the background of this page. cheers, Brother Duff.

EXPECT: a blog that contradicts itself endlessly as a contrary man writes it, but redeems itself via hings for yr lugholes and hings for yr peepers.

EXPECT: a shop where ye might spend them hard earned pennies on not only the most recent Giant Tank records, tapes & cds, but also a heap of avant/ improv/ weirdo/ outsider paraphernalia shat into existence by some of my favourite predominantly Scottish (but not exclusively. i ain’t nae nationalist, dweebs.) houses of ill repute: Archivo De Sangre De Dios, Blackest Rainbow, Braw, Brugmos, Chocolate Monk, Digitalis Industries, Evolving Ear, Iorram, Know Your Enemy, Kovorox Sound, Piped In From Head Office, Pjorn 72, Poot, Sick Head, Total Vermin, Unverified and other friends youse havnae met yet.

EXPECT: the aforementioned shop to be awfy easy to browse as my oh-so-clever technologically savvy pal incorporates tags and a bunch o’ other modern hings i cannae really get my heid round.

EXPECT: second-hand wrongness to fill yr boots wi’.
this flat’s like a miniature weirdo warehoose and my beloved will be over the moon if i can cash in some o’ these highly desirable artifacts. i ain’t just talking records, cds and tapes. i want youse to buy books, comics, toys, ornaments, clothing, memorobilia, crisp bags, beer bottles, the shirt off my back… THE LOT.

EXPECT: more delays before this site actually goes online, but BE READY.

are youse wet yet?

so… ye’ve possibly read quite a few e-mails fae myself over the last half decade which have ended with the line “www.gianttank.com is currently on the fritz, but a brand spanking new website will be ready for yr perusal around Xmas/ Hogmanay/ Easter/ April Fool’s/ May Day/ The Apocalypse/ etc”.

which would probably mean that ye think i’m a hapless and hopeless fud who’s NEVER gonnae get his shit together.

and… who could blame youse?

the last time my sorry arse ventured onto the information super highway beyond the confines of my Faceboak or eBag hovels was to plug the Pengo show advertised below which was way back in 2006 FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

so what excuses do i have for youse?

internet sick note #1:
ehrm… well…. the cat ate it?
well, it definitely devoured my attention span at least. i can hardly bare to leave the poor wee furry bas alone for more than five minutes.
“update website? nah. pick up cat? AYE.”

internet sick note #2:
i fucken hate computers. 
the biggest issue regarding Giant Tank’s lack of online presence is my utter disinterest in contemporary technology. i ain’t saying that yr phone which doubles as a laptop, a light sabre and a sex aid isnae fucken fan-dabby-dozey-tastic, but i just cannae make myself learn how to use this stuff. i’ve been told a thousand times and it all goes in one ear and falls oot of my colander heid immediately. it’s hard to learn when ye just dinnae care which means i’m constantly looking to others less ludd-inclined to do my dirty work for me.
which leads me to…..

internet sick note #3:
i’ve nae cash.
i have a pal who builds websites for a living. he lives in Dublin and is awfy good at his job and was generous enough to offer to build me a website for free. only problem is that due to his superior levels of proficiency he’s in high demand so he’s obliged to devote his time to the folks who pay his wages rather than his sponging pal who offers him only the occasional bottle of homebrew and some wide-ass remarks aboot his resemblance to Michael Keaton. this results in gianttank.com sitting in a half-finished limbo.
oh, and NO, ye cannae get his e-mail address. he’s busy working on my site just now, ye cunt.

anyhows… the adoption of this Tumblr hingmy is my latest/ lamest attempt to appease the masses.

LIKE IT OR LUMP IT.